Today was meant to be a day of celebration and thoughtful reflection for Corey Feldman, as he introduced the world to his new single, “DUH,” and its accompanying video of Christmastime strippers, and commemorated what would have been the 42rd birthday of his late friend River Phoenix by tweeting about it with the hashtag “#gonetoosoon.” Unfortunately, VICE had to come along and ruin it all by making Corey Feldman look kind of sleazy and stupid, as well as exploit the birthday of a celebrity as a cheap ploy for attention. Way to go, VICE.

The problem began with the publication of VICE editor Jamie Lee Curtis Taete’s “I Went To Corey Feldman’s Birthday Party,” a firsthand account of a soiree recently Feldman threw himself in “The Feldmansion”—a house where luxury and Lost Boys posters meet like a delightful portmanteau. It’s also where Feldman has begun planning the next stage of what he should, but somehow does not call his “Coreyr”: a “360-degree interactive experience” he’s dubbed “Corey’s Angels.” But don’t let the technobabble, or the fact that Corey Feldman is involved, intimidate you. A “360-degree interactive experience” is really just a euphemism for “party,” much like “Corey’s Angels” are just fancy words for “girls who are willing to wear lingerie at all times if it means getting to hang out with Corey Feldman and, occasionally, Tom Green or Ron Jeremy."

Furthermore, even if you aren’t of the haut Feldmonde, you can still experience nearly all 360 degrees of Corey’s Angels—provided you are willing to pay $250, or again, you are a “preapproved”-by-Corey woman who’s willing to wear lingerie throughout the entire party, and can still find one of the few halo-and-wings sets in Los Angeles not already claimed by your competition. In the case of the latter, you get in for free and can then enjoy all of Corey’s Feldmenities, from bottle service in a hot tub to playing his Street Fighter II arcade game. Cake may also be served.

Unfortunately, despite Taete’s introductory note explaining he was only allowed to attend on condition of allowing Feldman final edit of the piece—and that the story thus represented “text approved by Corey Feldman”—something about the way Taete captured his Corey’s Angels party didn’t sit well with Feldman, even though Taete did remember to mention that one of the guys from Black Eyed Peas showed up to DJ. (No, probably not that one.) He also pointed out that Feldman has a massage chair, which you probably don’t have. (It’s why your parties are just parties, not experiences.)

“It’s called defamation of character and slander n I’m pretty sure those things r still illegal n this country,” Feldman tweeted of the thing that is actually called “libel,” and would only be considered illegal were Feldman able to prove somehow that Taete published a false statement even after Feldman’s approval, or that it posed a threat to a reputation that Corey Feldman ostensibly has. Still, it doesn’t seem to be anything in the actual statements that’s upsetting him: Feldman mostly takes issue with VICE’s “horrid photos,” which somehow make the sight of an aged Corey Feldman clad in a black velvet wizard’s robe and biker gloves, standing amid a group of bored-looking girls in their underwear andGoonies posters, look sort of sad.

According to Feldman’s posted email exchanges with Taete, it all comes down to Feldman believing Taete lied to him about being able to use his own, “official” photos, rather than pictures like the one below—which came accompanied by Taete’s caption, “I arrived at the party around 10:30 p.m. and it was already in full swing.” Indeed, Feldman likely suspects Taete is making a deadpan implication that the party was not awesome, despite the girl who is seen here dispassionately checking her phone clearly being in lingerie. 

Anyway, Feldman seems to have decided to let bygones be bygones and established definitions of laws be established definitions of laws, instead moving on to a higher court—that of public opinion. It’s a 360-degree interactive experience that Feldman can similarly control by retweeting all the messages of support from his fans about how awful it is that journalists insist on publishing things without first getting their subjects’ total approval—something which is “called RESPECT” (even though, technically, it is not). And while Taete's article remains up for all to see and envy, it seems safe to say Feldman has learned his lesson about attempting to sustain a self-delusion of celebrity cool by surrounding himself with those who suffer from even greater degrees of desperation, only to have it all ruined by inviting some jerk photographer.